Holidays are supposed to be joyous and happy, but for many, it is a time of overwhelming stress. We may overextend ourselves emotionally and physically with a strong desire for belonging and connecting with others. For many of us, getting together with our families and friends brings joy and happiness; however, for others, it is the worst time of the year as it reminds them of an extremely stressful or disturbing event where they felt hopeless and emotionally out of control – traumatized. It is a time that can trigger all sorts of complicated feelings, memories, and anxieties. Trauma happens to everyone and if not resolved can have a detrimental effect on an individual and their relationships. While holidays bring bright spots for many of us, it can bring unique struggles undeniably faced by trauma survivors as they may have to meet family or friends that were the source of the psychological trauma, were unsupportive or toxic, or did not value their mental or personal well-being. For many survivors of emotional trauma, holidays may represent anniversaries and reminders of the past hurt or traumatic experiences. For those individuals even the slight prospect of visiting family or friends can bring up feelings of shame, fear, dread or ambivalence, leaving them trapped and unable to cope.
Emotional and psychological trauma is extremely painful, even without physical injury. Part of the reason is that it is invisible to others and difficult to share. Many of you will have different trauma histories involving very different triggers and varying levels of responses as well as stages in recovery. It is important to know that although emotional injuries will not merely go away, healing from trauma is possible although it may take days, months, or even years. Know that you are not alone and help is available, and that having self-care strategies at hand can help many of you to not only to speed up your recovery but also to cope during the holidays.
Recognizing signs and triggers of emotional trauma can be helpful to you to take control of your responses in the present moment when your whole body and mind go on ''overdrive''.
What is Emotional Trauma?
Trauma is incredibly interpersonal and does not discriminate based on gender, social class, race, sexual orientation, age, culture, religion or ethnicity. In every family or relationship that we form as adults, there is a heightened risk of experiencing strong emotional, cognitive, physical and psychological reactions. Whether you suffered childhood abuse, were in an abusive romantic relationship, an acrimonious divorce, bear a witness to a horrific event, were a prisoner of a war, or have experienced workplace bullying, the effects of psychological trauma can last a lifetime.
Emotional and psychological trauma is defined as ‘'damage to the psyche (mind) that occurs as a result of a severely distressing event''. These events are often perceived as life-threatening over which you have no control as if you are trapped without any means of escaping. When you experience an intense and painful event, all areas of your life are negatively impacted often leading to the development of depression, anxiety, posttraumatic injury, addictions, phobias or social and relational problems. This might leave you with ‘'emotional scars'', often feeling emotionally exhausted and isolated. It is important to note here that there are two components to your experience of trauma: your subjective and objective knowledge of the event. The more you believe that you or the life of other is at risk, the more traumatized you will be. It is without any doubt that trauma is psychologically overwhelming causing strong emotions and an utter feeling of helplessness. However, the details or the meaning of an event that is most distressing for you will not necessarily be the same for others. Trauma comes in many forms and is experienced differently by each individual.
You may experience emotional trauma if:
You were unprepared for it
It was out of your control
You felt powerless to prevent the event
You have experienced the event repeatedly
It was extremely cruel
It happened during your childhood
Traumatic events might be related to your or loved one's physical or mental health, past traumatic experiences, coping skills, personality traits, social and emotional support at the time of the event, or specific stressful or horrific situation.
Childhood trauma can be caused by the following events:
Growing up in an unstable or unsafe home/environment
Being separated from or abandoned by a parent or a caregiver
Basic needs of food, shelter, clothing were not met
Experienced serious illness or intrusive medical procedures
Sexual, physical, or verbal abuse
Domestic violence or homicide/suicide/murder
Neglect
If your trauma happened years ago, know that there are steps you can take to recover from the past emotional injuries and hurts, by learning how to trust and connect with others and reclaiming your emotional balance.
Reactions to traumatic ordeals often may include cognitive and behavioral responses. You may experience spontaneous intrusive thoughts, have visual images of the traumatic event flashing in your mind, and hear hurtful or painful messages repeatedly conveyed to you in the past. A loss of memory or sense of disorientation, confusion, or ability to focus on daily tasks is also a universal reaction. You may experience changes in your mood or behavior such as avoiding places or activities, or even people reminding you of the traumatic event. Social and family events may no longer bring pleasure and joy; hence you may feel a strong need to isolate and withdraw to avoid overwhelming emotions. To cope with aftermaths of tormenting and overwhelming events, humans possess an innate and natural response to protect self from harm. You too have developed many coping strategies to avoid overwhelming emotions - to ''shield yourself '' from dangerous situations. As some of these may be causing further struggles, know that there are people who can help you to stand face to face with the effects of trauma and keep yourself safe.
Ways to Cope with Emotional Trauma during Holidays
Support System
Having a support system in place before holidays is a vital step in helping you to deal with strong emotions. You cannot control your past trauma; however, you can take control by planning to have someone to talk to while visiting your family or friends or while you spend the holiday alone. First, acknowledge that reaching for help is not an act of weakness, it is a strength. Then assemble a list of people in your life that you can rely on in the moment of need. They may be your close friends who listen to you or a family member who understands and validate your mental and personal well-being. Plan to connect with them before and after holiday gathering, even for 5 to 10 minutes on the phone or in person. If you have a therapist try to book a pre and post-holiday appointment to discuss coping strategies.
You have a choice
Remember that you have a right to decide not to attend a holiday gathering without explaining yourself why. If you believe that you will feel unsafe, you can set boundaries for yourself. You have the right to say no, change your mind or make choices that are right for you. If you still live with toxic people, this presents different challenges as saying no can bring more harm to you. Take control of your choices, know that you can use your voice to say no, set boundaries and have it be respected. If things get out of hand call 911 - remember that keeping yourself safe is a priority.
Unhealthy Ways of Coping
It is very common to develop various coping methods to numb your pain and emotions. They all can be extremely harmful to your psychological and physical well-being. Developing more healthy strategies can be profoundly empowering. Remember that alcohol is highly intoxicating and can cause traumatic material to be triggered, leaving you defenseless against it. So are drugs or marijuana as they depress your nervous system. Choose healthier options, for example, rest well, eat well, and stay hydrated, and don't forget to exercise to boost endorphins (happy hormones) in your brain. Simple walking and paying attention to your surroundings is an excellent method to take your mind away from the chaos in the present situation, and it is a unique strategy to bring back your emotional equilibrium.
Grounding & Containing Yourself
If you find yourself feeling upset and unable to settle down your emotion, grounding and containment exercises are an excellent way to self-rescue from the situation. If you notice that you can't break your attention from intense arising traumatic thoughts, images, and feelings, try to connect with and focus on your surroundings (here and now) with the intention to use all your senses (sight, touch, smell, hearing, and taste) - making sure that your feet are fully touching the ground. Then in your mind name 5 objects that you can see in the room. Be sure these are real rather than imaginary objects. Next, in your mind identify 5 sounds you hear. Make sure that these are not conversations in the room, instead, try to focus on sounds such as a sound of tapping a pen, a car passing by, squeaking chair, or your own words, etc. Now identify 5 things you can sense of feels such as your breath moving in and out, the feelings of your legs/ hands/ bottom (if you're sitting), or the sensation of the warmth in the room. If you still feel overwhelmed start from the beginning with naming 4, 3, 2, 1 things using your senses. Practice this exercise anytime, even when you don't feel upset. This will help you to teach your nervous system to respond better in the moments of high distress.
Recognize Your Triggers
It is important to recognize what are your triggers. They can range from the anniversary of the event, a song, a person, a smell, or a word. It can be anything that can trigger sensations of the original trauma prompting your body and mind to relive it. When you experience a trigger, you will start feeling as if you are in danger – it is a natural response of your body and mind in the moment of threat. When you are not in real danger, know that your body and mind react this way as it remembers the ordeal. It is an automatic response to all those cues around you that your body is picking up through your all senses. However, if you are really in danger, then your natural reaction will be to get yourself out of the situation. Do that. Keep yourself safe. Call for help. If you are in a position that is not life-threatening but you still experience triggers as if you were reliving the traumatic event, then the best thing is to acknowledge that these are triggers and try to soothe yourself.
Be Kind to Yourself
Remember that holidays are stressful for everyone, even those who did not experience emotional trauma or who have fully recovered. Yes, It’s possible to heal from past hurts and injury with the right help. Yes, you are likely to feel angry with someone, have arguments, make mistakes, or have impatient days. If you stumble or even fall apart, its ok. Recovery is difficult but not impossible. If you are having feelings that seem too overwhelming to cope with, reach out for help to others, call 911 or go to the closest ER – take control of your reactions to triggers and keep yourself safe, because you are worth it. Remember that life is a process and emotions are changeable and that every year is different. If something goes wrong, be kind to yourself, and remind yourself that in the present moment it is you who needs comfort the most. Be sensitive and gentle to yourself. Breath. Take control. Make choices and boundaries. If you are a survivor of any traumatic ordeal and you feel that you can't move past your invisible wounds, reach out for help to a professional specializing in trauma recovery.
Have a peaceful and safe holiday!