Why Men Struggle With Emotional Expression - And How Therapy Can Help

From an early age, boys learn that emotional control is required. Crying is framed as failure, fear is reframed as weakness, and need is something to outgrow. This conditioning does not happen in isolation; it is embedded in a broader system of expectations about masculinity, productivity, and power.

Patriarchy and the Emotional Training of Boys

Patriarchy rewards men for emotional self-containment. It teaches that worth is tied to usefulness, endurance, and authority rather than emotional attunement. Within this framework, emotions are liabilities.

Theorist and author Bell Hooks names this process with striking precision. In The Will to Change, she writes:

"The first act of violence that the patriarchy demands of males is not violence towards women. Instead patriarchy demands of all males that they engage in acts of psychic self-mutilation, that they kill off the emotional parts of themselves."

This framing matters because it shifts the conversation away from blame and toward structure. Emotional suppression isn't a personal flaw in men- it is a learned survival strategy within a system that punishes vulnerability and rewards emotional withdrawal.

Why Vulnerability Feels Like a Threat to Identity

For many men, emotional expression feels destabilizing. This is because masculinity, as defined by patriarchal norms, is often experienced as something that can be lost.

Men in therapy frequently articulate fears such as:

• "If I fall apart, who will depend on me?"

• "If I admit I'm struggling, I'll lose credibility."

• "If I express emotion, I won't know how to stop."

These fears are not irrational. Many men have learned that emotional exposure leads to real consequences- loss of respect, rejection, or a sense of failure.

In relationships, this often shows up as emotional avoidance. Partners may experience this as distance or indifference. Men often experience it as self-preservation.

The Cost of Emotional Suppression in Men

Suppressing emotion does not actually eliminate it- it redirects it elsewhere.

Clinically, this often appears as:

• Chronic stress or burnout with no clear emotional narrative

• Anger that feels sudden and disproportionate

• Physical symptoms such as headaches, gastrointestinal issues, or insomnia

• Emotional shutdown during conflict

Men are more likely to report physical symptoms of distress than emotional ones. Depression in men frequently presents not as sadness, but as irritability, exhaustion, or disengagement, making it harder to recognize and easier to dismiss.

How Therapy Disrupts Patriarchal Definitions of Strength

Therapy offers men something rare: a space where emotional expression does not threaten identity.

Rather than positioning emotions as problems to be solved, therapy reframes them as sources of information. Feelings become data.

In practice, this means:

• Learning to differentiate emotions beyond anger or stress

• Understanding how emotions signal unmet needs or values

• Developing tolerance for vulnerability without losing control

Neuroscience supports this approach. Naming emotions activates regulatory regions of the brain, reducing physiological stress responses. Emotional awareness increases control—it does not erode it.

Emotional Literacy as a Reclaimed Skill

Emotional literacy involves learning:

• How to recognize internal emotional states

• How to express feelings without escalation or withdrawal

• How to sit with discomfort without avoidance

• How to communicate needs without shame

These skills are not innate. They are learned. Many men are simply learning them later in life- often for the first time.

A common therapeutic moment:
A man realizes that what he has been calling "stress" is actually grief. Or fear. Or loneliness. That realization alone often brings relief, not because the feeling disappears, but because it finally has a name.

Vulnerability as a Form of Strength

Within patriarchal culture, vulnerability is often framed as exposure without protection. Therapy reframes vulnerability as intentional openness with boundaries.

Vulnerability is not emotional dumping.
It is not loss of control.
It is not weakness.

It is the capacity to remain present with internal experience and communicate it thoughtfully.

Research on relational health consistently shows that emotional openness - when practiced safely - strengthens trust, intimacy, and psychological resilience.

Men who engage in therapy often report improved relationships not because they say more, but because they say what matters.

Therapy as Skill-Building, Not Self-Criticism

One of the most powerful shifts men experience in therapy is moving from self-judgment to self-understanding.

Therapy becomes a place to build:

• Emotional regulation skills

• Communication tools

• Self-awareness without shame

• A broader, more sustainable definition of strength

Rather than asking men to abandon who they are, therapy invites them to expand it.

Redefining Strength Beyond Patriarchy

As cultural conversations evolve, many men are quietly redefining strength, not as emotional absence, but as emotional capacity.

A strength that includes:

• Self-awareness

• Accountability

• Emotional presence

• The courage to seek support

This shift benefits not only men, but families, relationships, and communities.

Is This Conflict with My Partner Healthy or Harmful? 5 Ways to Tell the Difference

Conflict is a natural part of any relationship, but it isn’t always easy to know when conflict is simply part of navigating life together — or when it signals deeper issues that need attention. Understanding the difference can help you respond more intentionally and protect the health of your connection.

Understanding Conflict in Relationships

At its core, conflict happens when you and your partner see something important in different ways. This can feel unsettling, but it’s an inevitable part of being in a relationship with another person. You might disagree not only about the issue itself, but also about how much it matters and what it represents for your life together. When those meanings don’t line up, even small moments can carry big emotional weight. 

Conflict may be par for the course in relationships, but what really matters is how you engage in it. The good news is that conflict styles can evolve; with awareness and practice, you can identify patterns that help you stay connected and those that create harm. From there, you can work on shifting your responses in ways that foster understanding, safety, and genuine repair.

Healthy vs Harmful Conflict

What healthy conflict looks like:

Often called constructive conflict, this involves respect for differing viewpoints, active listening, and focusing on the issue rather than personal attacks. When two partners engage in constructive conflict, each person works to stay emotionally regulated, keep communication open, and work toward a shared goal of resolution and growth.  

To engage in constructive conflict with your partner: 

• Try using “I” statements versus “you” statements. This helps you share your experience rather than assigning blame.

• Practice empathy by acknowledging their perspective and the emotions behind it.

• Take a collaborative approach aimed at finding a mutually beneficial solution, rather than a "win-lose" outcome. 

What harmful conflict looks like:

Harmful conflict often shows up as personal attacks, blame, and defensiveness — patterns that turn disagreements into battles to ‘win’ rather than opportunities to solve problems together. These exchanges tend to be emotionally charged and unproductive, marked by poor listening, contempt, manipulation, or an unwillingness to recognize one’s own part in the disagreement. The Gottman Institute’s “Four Horsemen” are common indicators of this dynamic: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. When these behaviors take over, conflict can quickly erode trust and emotional safety in the relationship.

5 Questions to Gauge the Health of Your Conflict

1. Who wins in this argument: you, your partner, or your relationship?
   Healthy conflict involves taking a “win-win” stance with your partner; in other words, you may not agree about the issue or see eye to eye on how to address it, but you are prioritizing the relationship and trying to find a compromise or solution that works for both parties. Conversely, harmful conflict involves taking a “win-lose” stance with your partner in which “winning” the argument is more important than finding a solution that works for everyone. 

2. Are you listening to each other?
   Healthy conflict involves using active listening skills, “I” statements, and trying to understand the other person’s point of view. Harmful conflict involves personal attacks, name calling, blaming, and not listening to what the other person has to say. 

3. Do you know when to pause the conversation?
   Healthy conflict can get heated or escalated at times, but it often doesn’t, and when it does get escalated, partners are willing to take a break or “time out” from the conflict to regulate their emotions before returning to the conversation. Harmful conflict can go one of two ways: it can escalate into manipulation, gaslighting, and intimate partner violence in severe cases, or it can look like avoidance of important issues in the relationship. 

4. Do both of you feel safe expressing differing view points?
   In healthy conflicts, partners feel emotionally and physically safe in expressing different viewpoints. This is often not the case in harmful conflict patterns. 

5. When the argument is over, do you feel closer to each other, or more distant? Healthy conflict often leads to increased trust, empathy, understanding, and an increased sense of intimacy. Harmful conflict can lead to isolation, mistrust, and a decrease in intimacy.

Relationship Therapy Near You 

Managing conflict and making space for each other's feelings is the essential work of being in a relationship. The ways we engage in conflict are often a complex mix of dynamics within our families of origin, socialized gender norms, and more. We're often telling ourselves stories about what each other's behavior means, rather than taking the time to listen and empathize. 

Therapy can help you and your partner peel back all of these layers and how they shape your communication styles, help you take ownership of your feelings, and choose new ways of connecting with your loved ones. 

At Empowered Connections Counseling in Chicago, our therapists support all types of romantic relationships––straight, LGBTQIA+, monogamous, polyamorous, partnered, married, divorced––to help partners engage in healthy conflict and build intimacy. We also support individuals are single, healing from heartbreak or loss of a partner, and those recovering from intimate partner violence or betrayal. Together, we'll help you find the right therapist and therapy approach to forge healthy, fulfilling connections.

About ECC:

Empowered Connections Counseling is a practice of licensed therapists providing quality, multidisciplinary counseling for adults, children & teens, relationships, and families in Chicago and across Illinois. Whether by in-person session or via telehealth, we work with clients to find the therapist and treatment methods that best suit their needs. Connect meaningfully with your life by booking an appointment today.

What I’ve Learned About Grief and Love as a Therapist

“If there ever comes a day when we can’t be together, keep me in your heart, I’ll stay there forever.” -Winnie the Pooh

As a licensed marriage and family therapist, I strive to live transparently and with awareness of the systems that shape us—our faith, families (chosen and biological), friendships, and the ways we give and receive love. These values guide my actions, forming a personal metric for how I move through the world. And then…Grief enters. Grief never enters as a friend. It’s the most unwanted visitor of all visitors. Grief doesn’t consult my schedule to confirm whether it’s okay for us to get together. It comes when it wants, where it wants, how it wants, to whoever it wants. I may have values and expectations, but  Grief couldn't care less. As I process the grief I’ve experienced in the past several years, I find purpose in sharing what I’ve learned with clients and readers, so that the grief journey might feel less lonely. 

“Grief is the form love takes when someone we care about dies. Our experience of grief is our reaction to all the changes we experience during bereavement.” — The Center for Complicated Grief

As you grow, you learn from different systems, meanings, beliefs, and people, and then poof—one day it happens. You lose someone. This person, who once held some sense of significance within your life, is suddenly no longer able to physically hold space with you ever again. It is mentally overwhelming and forces us to utilize our strengths and resources unlike ever before. 

The last three years have been a whirlwind of emotions for me as I’ve lost fourteen loved ones, including my grandmother in 2022 and my best friend in 2024. At times, reluctantly, defeatedly, and other times quite empoweringly, I’ve been forced to surrender to the complicated grief of it all. For me, grieving activated some core emotions, and I have wondered if I could continue to be an effective therapist and hold space for others as I experienced my highs and lows. Relying on my faith, my education, and therapy is a practice I have developed an elevated sense of appreciation for, which allows me to process each of those feelings and find the strength to move forward. 

Every Grief Experience is Unique 

Every loss is different, and therefore every grief experience is different. I've lost people close to me, like my grandmother and my best friend, but I've also lost others, like my family pet snake of 8 years, and even public figures who mattered to me, like Malcolm Jamal Warner (Theo from The Cosby Show), in what's known disenfranchised grief.

Even among those I was close with, the grief experiences have differed significantly. My grandmother was and is one of the great loves of my life. She represents all things glamorous, bold, powerful, and good to me, but I lost her to dementia three years before her death. Her dementia-driven outbursts made her act like a different person towards me, so for my own emotional well-being I chose to detach from the relationship and entered into what's known as ambiguous loss, where the person is still physically present but psychologically absent. Even though my grandmother was alive, I grieved the grandmother I once knew, and when she ultimately passed, I grieved more. 

It turns out, grief can happen along a wide spectrum of loss experiences, and we have to learn how to be open to developing a new kind of relationship with those we've lost. It takes time as we navigate complex emotions and process the state of the relationship at the time of the person's passing, and continue living our daily lives.

What I’ve Learned About Grief 

It’s never easy grieving a loss, but grieving multiple losses while still trying to be a good therapist to my clients has been a tender challenge. Along my grief journey, I’ve found a few things that have helped me, and I hope they help you, too: 

• Be open to new meanings. I’ve continued to be open to developing new meanings, including an openness to things outside of my understanding. Through my own therapy experiences, I have developed a deeper appreciation for my loved ones' journeys, their autonomy, their voices, and the capacity level of love they were able to give, including their shadows, even during times when I was a casualty of it. In the shadow, I was provided with the opportunity to express myself authentically, which I am grateful for. 

• Be flexible with beliefs and traditions. In the grieving process, resistance to change often stems from family narratives and traditions that are rigidly enforced (Boss, 2010). Flexibility is important. While traditions provide continuity, it is important to allow for change so that people can bend under the pressure of illness and loss with no cure or closure and still rise from it stronger.

• Hold space for yourself and others. I learned that through the process of affirming, deconstructing, and reconstructing experiences for others, from my clients to my loved ones, I hold space not only for them, but also for myself (Gunzburg, 1994).  Paying attention to clients' curiosities of my experiences and how I navigate this time in the world has allowed connection and space for humanness (McBride et al., 2020). 

• Choose radical, unconditional love. I have evolved in my execution of setting boundaries, entering into an entirely new level of radical self-love. I can relate to my loved ones’ journeys and see them for who they were and still are to me. They have shown me how to let go of narratives that don’t belong to me. I feel humbled and empowered to say that in my grief, I’ve learned unconditional love.  

You’re Not Alone on Your Grief Journey 

Grief is part of the human experience. So is asking for help. Whatever the type of loss you've experienced, and no matter how complicated your feelings are, our team at ECC is here to help you process your grief, find healthy ways to navigate your new normal. If you need support as you grieve a loss, whether it's a death, divorce, estrangement, miscarriage, or other type of loss, we can help. Book an appointment today to get started. 

About ECC: 

Empowered Connections Counseling is a practice of licensed therapists providing quality, multidisciplinary counseling for relationships, families, children & teens, and individuals in Chicago and across Illinois. Whether by in-person session or via telehealth, we work with clients to find the therapist and treatment methods that best suit their needs. Connect meaningfully with your life by booking an appointment today.

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References:

Boss, P. (2010). The Trauma and Complicated Grief of Ambiguous Loss. Pastoral Psychol 59, 137–145.

Gunzburg, J. C. (1994). ‘What works?’ Therapeutic experience with grieving clients. Journal of Family Therapy, 16(2), 159-171.

McBride, Hillary & Joseph, Andrew & Schmitt, Peter & Holtz, Brett. (2020). Clinical recommendations for psychotherapists working during the coronavirus (COVID-19) pandemic through the lens of AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy). Counselling Psychology Quarterly. 34. 1-21. 10.1080/09515070.2020.1771283.

Navigating the Emotional Fallout of Parental Estrangement

Going no-contact with your parent(s) can be a really painful decision. Not only can the process of setting and holding the boundary be difficult––particularly when it is non-mutual—but the emotional toll of processing the change and accepting the new nature of your relationship can feel very heavy. Feelings of loss, guilt, and fear are all natural to experience after a decision like this, even with the knowledge that you still made a choice that is right for yourself.

Although each parental relationship is unique, some common themes can be helpful to keep in mind so that you can be confident and intentional as you move through the process of initiating and maintaining no-contact.

Common Themes to Help You Navigate Parental Estrangement

Self-love, self-love, self-love: Apt advice for most situations, but especially after a major relational transition like estrangement from a parent. Practicing self-love is how we learn to prioritize ourselves and feel confident in our choices. Sometimes feelings of guilt and complicated beliefs about our own worthiness can get triggered, and self-love can help remind us that this decision was what we needed––more than anything, you deserve to protect yourself and your own needs. Treat yourself with the same compassion and respect that you would treat a friend if they were going through something similar.

Mourn the loss: Give yourself time and permission to grieve the relationship–both what it was, and what it wasn’t.

• Grieve what you lost: There may have been positive or gratifying aspects of your parental relationship(s); it is okay to acknowledge the loss of those elements and miss those parts of your relationship.

• Grieve what you had hoped for: A move to go no-contact can take time to initiate because of the desire for a different type of relationship, and many previous attempts to move towards that ideal. What were your hopes for your parental relationship prior to the cut-off? What might it mean to grieve its potential, or the things you missed out on?

Honor your prior attempts at repair: Sometimes, folks feel as though their efforts at repair with their parents failed because of having reached out in the wrong way, or because of not having tried hard enough; but it is important to remember that repair takes two willing, motivated parties. When you find yourself dwelling on whether you could have done something different to salvage your relationship, remind yourself that being estranged from your parent(s) isn’t a reflection of who you are, or your character. Find ways to reinforce this for yourself through mindful practices such as journaling, writing notes to yourself, or meditation. 

How to Self-Advocate Through Parental Estrangement

Setting and reinforcing boundaries for the estrangement

There may be decisions related to what “no-contact” looks like for you. Here are some questions to consider that can help you hold the boundary:

• Do you want to delete/block their phone number, or are you okay with just ignoring potential messages and leaving them on “read”? Do you trust yourself not to respond if they increase their contacts to try and get your attention? 

• Do you want to delete/block them from your social media? 

• Is it important to notify siblings or other family members about going no-contact? How big or small of an explanation is important for those relationships?

Setting boundaries with mutual relationships

Speaking of mutual relationships, it may be helpful to practice intentionality and firmness on boundaries with those who are still in contact with them, like siblings, or a parent, grandparent, aunt or uncle who remains in contact with you. Here are a few questions to ask yourself: 

• Are you okay with hearing news about your parents? If so, how much or how often? What do you want or not want to know about them from mutual relationships?

• Are you okay with your mutual relationships sharing news about you to your parents? What do you want them to know or not know about you? 

• How do you want to navigate family gatherings and important milestones? Are you hoping your family members will invite you, and not them? Are you willing to skip family events if you know your parent(s) will be in attendance? 

Leaning into existing close relationships

Strengthening connections that feel safe is so important to ensure you feel fulfilled and supported during a time of relational transition. We all need people that make us feel cared for and seen. Are there people in your life that help you feel this way? Can you lean on those relationships for support? Be honest with your loved ones and friends about what you’re going through, so that they can support you as you navigate this loss. 

Therapy for Parental Estrangement 

Choosing to sever ties with a family member is always difficult, but especially so when it’s your parent. As you navigate feelings of grief and loss, remember that you don’t have to do it on your own. Therapy is a great tool for exploring family dynamics and processing the heavy emotions that come with estrangement in a supportive, non-judgmental space. A therapist can also help you set boundaries and advocate for yourself with the family you remain in contact with. 

If you need support navigating parental estrangement, our therapists at ECC are here to help. We'll match you with the right therapist and therapy approach to help you process your experiences and find healthy ways to communicate and honor your needs. 

ABOUT ECC:

Empowered Connections Counseling is a practice of licensed therapists providing quality, multidisciplinary counseling for adults, children & teens, relationships, and families in Chicago and across Illinois. Whether by in-person session or via telehealth, we work with clients to find the therapist and treatment methods that best suit their needs. Connect meaningfully with your life by booking an appointment today.

Healing the Wounds We Didn’t Create: Breaking the Cycle of Inherited Trauma

Have you ever noticed behavioral patterns in yourself or in your family that seem impossible to change? Maybe you or a loved one have difficulty expressing emotions, or when they are expressed, they're quickly minimized –– "it's not that bad" or "why bring up the past?" or "can't you just move on?" You might feel responsible for everyone else's well-being, yet feel uneasy when someone else tries to care for you. Perhaps you feel on edge all the time, waiting for the other shoe to drop, or slow to trust others. 

These patterns can feel confusing, frustrating, or even shameful—especially when you can’t point to anything in your own life that seems to explain them. Often, they’re signs of generational or inherited trauma: wounds passed down through families not just through stories or memories, but through behaviors, coping styles, and emotional patterns.

The good news is that these cycles can be understood and healed. By working with a therapist to recognize and understand these patterns, where they come from, and how they've shaped you, you can begin the work of breaking the cycles and creating healthier coping strategies for yourself and your family. 

What It Means to Inherit Trauma

Generational trauma is the transmission of emotional pain or unhealthy patterns from one generation to the next. Some research shows that generational trauma can be epigenetic, meaning that traumatic experiences can cause changes in how genes function from one generation to the next, affecting stress responses and emotional regulation (source). Yet many of the effects of trauma are passed down through behavior and belief systems, even when the origins of the trauma aren’t openly discussed. 

Where Generational Trauma Comes From

Generational trauma can have many origins, often rooted in painful experiences that overwhelmed earlier generations and were never fully processed or healed. These experiences can take many forms, from large-scale societal events to personal or family hardships, all of which can leave lasting emotional imprints.

• Domestic violence and abuse

• Abandonment and neglect

• Poverty and economic instability

• War and displacement

• Racism, oppression, and systemic injustice

How Generational Trauma Shows Up in Our Lives Today

While traumatic circumstances differ for each family and individual, what remains universally true is that they leave a deep emotional imprint––not just on those who directly endured them, but on future generations––and it will continue to reverberate unless directly addressed. Trauma shows up in romantic partnerships, parenting, family roles, and communication patterns. Maybe some of these will sound familiar to you: 

• Emotional unavailability or emotional minimization

• Difficulty trusting others or forming secure attachments

• Codependency and people-pleasing

• Hypervigilance and fear of conflict

• Low self-esteem or feelings of unworthiness

• Maladaptive and high-risk coping mechanisms (for example, substance use, perfectionism, emotional withdrawal)

Recognizing these traits with compassion—not shame—is essential to breaking the cycle.

Steps to Breaking Trauma Cycles

So, what does it take to break these trauma cycles in your own family? There’s no step-by-step process that will neatly erase generations of pain, but making a conscious effort to do the following can help you find healing, and can invite others in your family to join you in that process, too. 

1. Build Awareness and Acknowledge the Patterns Awareness and acknowledgement are key. Learn about your family history in whatever way is possible, either by talking directly to family members and asking questions, or by researching your family lineage. You might not have all parts of the story, and that’s okay. Take the time to identify your family’s cycles of trauma and recurring themes, such as silence, anger, control, or avoidance. Explore the ways these cycles have been perpetuated or enabled. Journaling through this process can be helpful. 

2. Release Blame and Cultivate Compassion
   Blame is often fuel for generational trauma cycles, so letting go of anger and resentment––towards others and yourself––can be incredibly powerful. This does not mean condoning harmful actions, but approaching the why with compassion and understanding. 

3. Reestablish Healthy Boundaries Generational trauma often results in boundaries being violated across generations, which becomes normalized over time as these patterns are repeated. Creating and maintaining healthy boundaries helps to disrupt these cycles and allows you to prioritize your needs. Healthy boundaries protect your peace and model safety for future generations. It starts with learning to recognize your limits and communicating them clearly.

4. Break the Silence Silence is often used as a tool to avoid painful experiences, yet it often perpetuates continued trauma. Breaking that silence with trusted individuals, whether it’s a family member, friend, or therapist, can be both cathartic and also provide a space to process your experiences and receive validation.

5. Practice Self-Care and Reconnection Generational trauma doesn’t just affect your relationship with others––it also affects your relationship with yourself. Prioritize activities that support your mental and physical well-being, such as rest, movement, mindfulness, creativity, and supportive relationships. Small, consistent acts of care can help you rebuild a sense of safety and self-worth.

Moving Forward: You Can Be the Cycle Breaker

It takes courage to heal the harm you didn’t cause. It can often feel isolating and confusing, especially if family members engage in harmful tactics to suppress change. Therapy can provide a supportive space to work through your experiences with generational trauma.

At ECC, our diverse group of licensed therapists can provide a supportive space to reflect on familial patterns and practice new ways of relating. We also offer culturally-responsive care to help our clients explore generational trauma through the lens of cultural identity. We offer multilingual therapy in Spanish, Mandarin, Thai, and Korean, both in person and online. 

Healing the wounds of the past is a profound gift to yourself—and to future generations. Get started today by booking an appointment.

ABOUT ECC: 

Empowered Connections Counseling is a practice of licensed therapists providing quality, multidisciplinary counseling for adults, children & teens, relationships, and families in Chicago and across Illinois. Whether by in-person session or via telehealth, we work with clients to find the therapist and treatment methods that best suit their needs. Connect meaningfully with your life by booking an appointment today.