Boundaries have become a frequent topic of conversation both within therapy and outside of it: on social media, in the workplace, between family members, between friends. It’s important to create clarity in a relationship about how you want to be treated, and how you want to treat others. But it’s hard work to set healthy, effective boundaries in your relationships, especially if you grew up in a family or a culture where your needs weren’t considered, or you watched a parent or caregiver navigate life without setting healthy boundaries for themselves—with you, with another adult or family member, or maybe even their job.
It’s especially hard to set boundaries when you’re holding misconceptions about what boundaries are in a relationship and how they work.
The Biggest Misconception About Setting Relationship Boundaries
The biggest misconception I see in my therapy practice is the belief that boundaries are a way of controlling how other people act towards you. The truth is, you can’t control other peoples’ behavior.
For example, if you were to tell your parent or partner, “Hey, I need you to stop talking to me that way,” chances are that they will continue to speak to you the way in which they always have, and the outcome of hurtful behavior and hurt feelings won’t change.
But if you were to say to them, “When you talk to me in this way, it really hurts my feelings. If you continue to talk to me that way in the future, I’m going to end the conversation and I’ll follow up with you when I’m ready to talk” — that is a real boundary that focuses on what you are able to control: your own behavior. It sets a clear expectation with the other person about how you will respond and gives them a clear choice to continue their behavior, or change.
Boundaries are about how you respond to others, not how you control others.
Tips for Setting Good Boundaries:
If you want to create healthy boundaries in your relationships, there are three key steps:
First, get clear with yourself on your feelings, the boundaries you need to set, and when/how to communicate them. It may help to ask yourself questions and journal your responses, or talk through it with a therapist:
Connect with your feelings: When they say or do [X behavior], how does it make you feel? Why?
Choose your response: What actions (on your part) feel reasonable in response to their behavior? Are you hanging up the phone, sending a short text explaining that you’re not going to continue the conversation, or leaving their presence if you’re face-to-face?
Set a timeline: are you going to wait until they say or do the hurtful behavior again for you to address it, or are you going to bring it up proactively so that hopefully, it doesn’t happen again?
Communicate your feelings. The other person needs to know how their behavior makes you feel so they can understand why the boundary is being set.
Communicate your boundary. In other words, set clear expectations with the other person about what you're going to do differently in response to the hurtful behavior if it continues. Clear boundaries can best be framed as an “If / then” statement, e.g., “If you continue to speak to me this way, then I will have to end the conversation and take some space until I’m ready to talk.”
Follow through with the boundary. Respond how you said you would, even if it’s painful. When we don’t follow through on our boundaries, people won’t take them seriously.
Why is Following Through on Boundaries So Hard?
The good and bad news about relationship boundaries is that we have the agency to change our relationships—and our lives—when we set them. It can be emotionally painful to take that step and follow through with hanging up the phone and going a period of time without contacting someone, especially someone close to you. Maybe that’s why so many of us wish boundaries were about controlling the other person’s behavior: because then we’re off the hook to make a painful choice and change the dynamic. But that mindset only leads to frustration and resentment.
When we choose to set healthy boundaries we’re opening ourselves up to the possibility of healthy relationships in the future—not only in the relationship we’re setting this boundary for right now, but for other relationships as well. Every time we set the boundary and follow through, we’re establishing our agency and building the emotional resilience to keep choosing healthy boundaries in the future.
Do You Need Help Setting Healthy Boundaries?
If you’re struggling to set and maintain healthy boundaries in your relationships, you’re not alone. Meeting with a therapist can help you connect with your emotions, clarify your needs, and build the emotional strength to make meaningful change in your life. There are many different therapy methodologies that might help with boundary setting, such as relational therapy, Dialectical behavior therapy, Acceptance and commitment therapy, and others.
At ECC, we’re committed to helping our clients find the right therapist and strategy for building healthy connections. If you need help with boundary setting, communication, or conflict resolution, we’re here to help. Book an appointment today to get started.
About ECC:
Empowered Connections Counseling is a practice of licensed therapists providing quality, multidisciplinary counseling for adults, children & teens, relationships, and families in Chicago and across Illinois. Whether by in-person session or via telehealth, we work with clients to find the therapist and treatment methods that best suit their needs. Connect meaningfully with your life by booking an appointment today.