Grief is a natural response to loss. In theory, we all understand that grief is part of the human experience, but when loss actually happens in our lives, the intensity and unique shape of our grief can still catch us off guard. Yet just because grief is part of the human experience, doesn’t mean we have to cope with it alone, or reign in how we express it. In this post, we’ll explore different kinds of loss and grief, and how to know when it’s time to seek therapy for grief.
How Grief Manifests In Different Ways (Beyond Sadness)
To understand nuances in the way we feel grief, it’s important to remind ourselves of the importance of close relationships. Close relationships are part of our biology; we seek out close relationships for many reasons such as safety, survival, and emotional regulation. It’s important to feel cared for and it's important for us to care for others. Close relationships also influence our motivations in life, and our interests. They are an integral part of being human. So when someone close to us dies, so much for us changes without them.
“Grief is the form love takes when someone we care about dies. Our experience of grief is our reaction to all the changes we experience during bereavement.” —The Center for Complicated Grief
In the beginning of bereavement, it's like the world has turned upside down without this person. Losing someone close to us can lead to many changes in our lives: who we spend time with, who handles certain household tasks, who we talk to about certain things, how we envision the future.
With all of these changes in the wake of someone’s death, acute grief can look and feel like other emotions such as (but not limited to):
Anger
Hurt
Anxiety/fear
Guilt
Numbness
Hopelessness
As time goes on we start to cope, process, accept these experiences and adapt to life without this person. We don’t feel these feelings as intensely on a day-to-day basis, although the intensity may return when important grief milestones come up, like the anniversary of their death, or a big life event such as a graduation or wedding. We also might start to feel other parts of grief, such as love, gratitude, inspiration, or determination to honor their memory.
It’s important to remember that grief is not a linear process. You can have good moments and painful moments all in the same day. You can experience this variety of grief a month after loss, a year after loss, even 10 years after the loss. There is no time limit. We typically never “get over” our loss but learn to adapt to life without them and live meaningfully.
What is Ambiguous Loss & Grief?
While death is the scenario most often associated with grief, there are many other kinds of loss that can lead someone to grieve. According to the Mayo Clinic, ambiguous loss or ambiguous grief is a term for the experience of profound loss and sadness when a person hasn’t experienced the death of a loved one.
Ambiguous loss can include:
Relationship breakups (this includes romantic partnerships but can also include friendships)
Infidelity
Job layoffs or career transitions
Miscarriages and infertility struggles
Family estrangement
Financial problems
Moving to a new place
Natural disaster
Political unrest
Changing belief systems
Types of ambiguous loss:
Leaving without a goodbye: This type of loss happens when you lose physical connection with someone but you’re not sure if they’re dead or alive, such as addiction, abandonment, or they’ve gone missing. The uncertainty, lack of closure, and inability to mourn as a family or community with a ritual such as a funeral can compound feelings of grief.
Goodbye without leaving: This type of loss occurs when you’re grieving a person who is physically alive but not engaged in your life as they once were due to a chronic illness like dementia or another medical issue, estrangement, incarceration, or addiction. The change in the relationship, even if the choice was yours, can be very painful.
Situational goodbye: Grief isn’t always the result of death or even a change in a relationship. Witnessing loss in other places, such as war, natural disaster, a shooting or violent crime in your community, or political unrest, can stir feelings of grief. Other, less life-threatening experiences are also valid reasons for feeling grief, such as job loss or financial struggles.
Practical Strategies for Coping with Grief
Whatever kind of loss you’ve experienced, remember: there’s no right or wrong way to grieve. Focus on being present with what you need. When experiencing acute grief, try to pay extra attention to the ways you are caring for your basic needs—
Am I getting enough sleep?
Am I eating enough?
Am I moving enough?
Time alone can be helpful. Sometimes in our grief we want privacy. Sometimes time with others can be helpful; we need support and company in our experience. Be present with which one you may need.
These strategies can also help you process your grief:
Journaling through the experience
Talking with others about your loss, whether it’s the death of a loved one or a more ambiguous loss. Let others in on how you’re feeling and what you’re thinking.
Grief counseling/therapy. Individual therapy for grief is helpful, but so is group therapy where you can connect with others who have experienced loss.
Find ways to continue to connect and maintain your bond to your loved one. Rituals, memorializing them, looking at pictures, talking or writing to them, creating something with them in mind—these acts are healthy ways to express and release emotions so that they’re not bottled up inside.
Let others help you and tell them what you need. Humans do not typically grieve well alone.
When to Seek Mental Health Therapy for Grief
Therapy can be very beneficial at any time after a loss, but you might consider starting therapy if you are experiencing persistent and intense experiences of grief for an extended period of time that significantly impacts your daily functioning. According to the American Psychiatric Association, it might be time to seek grief therapy if you’re experiencing any of the following:
Intense longing for the deceased
Preoccupation with thoughts or memories of the deceased
Identity disruption, feeling as though part of oneself has died
Disbelief about the death
Avoidance of reminders of the deceased
Intense emotional pain, such as anger or sorrow
Difficulty reintegrating into daily life
Emotional numbness
Feeling that life is meaningless
Intense loneliness
If you are experiencing these symptoms beyond the acute phase of grief, you may be experiencing Prolonged Grief Disorder (PGD). A therapist trained in grief counseling can help you develop tools and insight to move towards living life in a meaningful way after the loss of your loved one.
Grief Counseling Near You
Just as grief is essential to the human experience, so is asking for help when we can’t cope alone. No matter what type of loss you’ve experienced, no matter how you feel about it, from intense to numb or ambivalent, ECC therapists are here to help you emotionally process your experience and navigate your new normal. If you need support with grieving, moving on from death, divorce, estrangement, or another type of loss, we're here to help. Book an appointment today to get started.
About ECC:
Empowered Connections Counseling is a practice of licensed therapists providing quality, multidisciplinary counseling for relationships, families, children & teens, and individuals in Chicago and across Illinois. Whether by in-person session or via telehealth, we work with clients to find the therapist and treatment methods that best suit their needs. Connect meaningfully with your life by booking an appointment today.