Setting boundaries with a parent can feel confusing, painful, and even taboo, especially if you were raised to "honor thy father and mother." Maybe your parent dismisses your feelings, crosses emotional or physical boundaries, or makes you feel responsible for their moods. If any of this sounds familiar, you're not alone. In fact, estrangement between adult children and their parents is on the rise in the U.S. In this post, we'll unpack why child-parent estrangement is becoming more common, how to set boundaries with your parents if you're experiencing conflict, and how to know when to go low- or no-contact.
Why is Estrangement Between Parents and Children Becoming More Common?
A 2022 study found that roughly one in four adults are estranged from at least one parent: six percent of respondents reported being estranged from their mothers, while another 26% reported being estranged from their father. Most respondents of the study were in their early 20s when they became estranged from their parent(s). So what's driving this rise in estrangement? Estrangement is very personal and unique to each relationship, but there are some commonalities across gender, race, and family background, such as:
Evolving Definitions of Harm or Trauma: In his book, "Rules of Estrangement: Why Adult Children Cut Ties and How to Heal the Conflict," clinical psychologist Joshua Coleman cites research on the evolving definition of trauma over the last 30 years or so; experiences that used to be accepted as normal or harmless are now seen for the emotional or psychological damage they can inflict on a person, even if that damage was unintentional.
Political Differences: In a Harris Poll released after the 2024 election, just one in five respondents directly attributed their estrangement directly to political differences. For most people, the political differences are just one contributing factor in the bigger picture, or a symptom of a deeper rift.
Patterns of Dysfunction & Abuse: As young adults mature and form their own identities separate from their families, it is common to experience a perspective shift on familial dynamics that were once tolerated or considered normal and begin to recognize recurring patterns.
What Defines a Toxic Parent
Recognizing patterns of dysfunction and abuse may be hard to come to grips with, especially if one parent’s behavior is tolerated by many people in the family. Personal experiences can feel subjective, especially in a society that often teaches children to suppress their emotions. When you reflect on painful interactions with your parents, a part of you might be wondering, am I just more sensitive than everyone else in my family? How do I know that it’s “abuse”? I know other people have had it worse than me, but what my parent(s) did still hurt. Is this really trauma?
Identifying the harm and naming the behavior for what it is is an important part of the process of rebuilding self-trust, agency in your relationship with your parents, and healing the wound. Despite what you might have been told by your parent or family member, there are objective signs that your parent is engaging in toxic behavior toward you, such as:
They try to control your behavior
They lack concern for and are dismissive of your feelings
They offer excessive criticism
They make you feel bad about yourself
They don’t support or celebrate you
They physically, emotionally, or verbally abuse you
Do any of these signs feel familiar? Even if your parent(s) checks all the boxes of toxic behavior, you may not want to distance yourself completely. Parent-child relationships, like all relationships, exist on a spectrum of closeness. There are many points along that spectrum between close and estranged. You can start by setting clear and firm boundaries, and if they have a hard time respecting your boundaries or continue to exhibit toxic behavior, you can choose to go low-contact (limited interactions, staying somewhere else instead of at their house when visiting family, etc).
How to Set Boundaries with Toxic Parents
As psychotherapist Prentis Hemphill wisely said, “Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.” With that in mind, here are some steps to help you set and maintain boundaries that protect your well-being while navigating a difficult relationship with a parent.
Setting boundaries can be uncomfortable and difficult, especially if this is a new dynamic, but following through is incredibly important. Reflect on your needs and values, what you feel comfortable with, and what feels both accessible and enforceable.
Remember that you do not have to go all or nothing, and you can start slow. This can be a process. Be gentle with yourself and any conflicting emotions you feel.
Clearly communicate your expectations to your parent(s) and how you will respond if your boundaries aren’t respected.
Be direct without being cruel or dismissive. Boundary work can support breaking intergenerational cycles of emotional and physical harm, so while any anger, hurt, or resentment you feel is absolutely valid and deserves space, approach this with a focus of caring for yourself and acting in alignment with your values.
Boundaries can be hard to accept, so your parent(s) may lash out. Don’t feel like you need to debate or adjust the expectations you’ve set to accommodate their feelings or displeasure. Remember that boundaries are not about hurting someone else; they’re about reinforcing that you are worthy of respect, care, and relationships that support you.
Be firm and consistent. If you want your parent(s) to respect your boundaries, you need to respect your own boundaries first.
When to Go Limited or No Contact
Recognizing when a relationship has become too damaging is difficult, especially when it involves a parent. If you're wondering whether it's time to go low- or no-contact, here are some signs that distance may be the healthiest choice.
If physical, emotional, or verbal abuse persists
If you continue to set boundaries that are violated or not respected
If your parent(s) continues to invalidate your feelings
If you find yourself feeling perpetually exhausted, overwhelmed, and uncared for in communication and engagement with your parent(s)
If you’ve made attempts to repair the relationship but your parent(s) is unwilling to change
Therapy Support for Painful Parental Relationships
Going limited or no-contact is a complicated decision, but sometimes, despite best efforts, it’s the next step in the process of protecting yourself. The consequences can be very emotionally devastating, and it’s normal for there to be feelings of grief and loss, even with the shifting or ending of toxic relationships. Give yourself permission and space to feel those feelings and take care of them, as well as yourself.
The most important thing to remember is that you are worthy of respectful, caring relationships. You don’t have to cope with painful parental relationships alone. If you’re struggling to set boundaries with your parent(s), advocate for yourself and your needs in family settings, or you’re grieving estrangement, our therapists at ECC are here to help. We'll match you with the right therapist and therapy approach to help you process your experiences and find healthy ways to communicate and honor your needs.
ABOUT ECC:
Empowered Connections Counseling is a practice of licensed therapists providing quality, multidisciplinary counseling for adults, children & teens, relationships, and families in Chicago and across Illinois. Whether by in-person session or via telehealth, we work with clients to find the therapist and treatment methods that best suit their needs. Connect meaningfully with your life by booking an appointment today.