Disclaimer: As a couples’ therapist I’ve had experiences of witnessing and combating sexism. As a male, I have a part in witnessing and contributing to sexism. This duality is not lost and to a degree cannot be separated. This is stated in good faith to contextualize the author. Further, this blog is written to represent hetereosexual and monogamous relationships solely in order to contextualize the limited perspective which is possible within the scope of this blog. As well, some of these expressions are not only sexism, but sometimes signs of domestic violence. The context of this blog is not to be read for signs of domestic violence, but solely sexism. If you are witnessing or a victim of domestic violence seek help immediately. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is (800) 799-7233.
As a therapist I have the opportunity to watch and listen extensively to various configurations of human relationships. The makeup of every relationship is different and manifests in different ways, but sexism is an all too frequent occurrence in relational therapy. Three main ways in which I have witnessed sexism in relational interactions is in use of tone, physical positioning, and emotional policing. Though not every couple demonstrates all three, I often see at least one in heterosexual couples. The aim of this blog is to be able to identify some forms of sexism when it occurs in your relationship.
Use of Tone
Tone is a unique tool in communication. It can change the context of words so easily and be misunderstood even faster. Tone in relationship to sexism is often expressed with a deeper or aggressive way then one might usually speak. This often triggers the other to physical shrink in relation to the partner using this tone. The reason this becomes sexist is in the use of the tone, not the tones themselves, for the purpose of putting the other partner in a submissive/one down position. A way to combat this is to aim for communication to not occur using these tones. If one partner is exhibiting an aggressive or deeper tone than usual, it is a signal that communication is not constructive and to take a moment to slow things down so as to make a mindful decision about continuing to talk or ceasing to do so.
Physical Positioning
As mentioned previously, physical positioning often is a response to tone, though not always. Often physical positioning comes in two forms; towering and aggression. Towering is when one physically positions themselves in a taller position than their partner (on rare occasions, the sexist partner will shrink, yet use a tone as a way to combat being seen as sexist), while aggression is often expressed by clenching fists/teeth, or moving to a fighting posture. The reason this becomes sexist is that it is used to dominate over the other partner and make them appear to be stronger than the other. A way to combat these behaviors of sexism is to sit down and keep a relaxed posture. This creates a more equal ground to express ourselves. When equality is broken in a relationship, it is a warning sign to take pause.
Emotional Policing
Out of the three ways sexism may occur in a relationship, this one is often unseen by partners. As it has no physical marker usually, it is harder to pick up on. Emotional policing is when certain emotions are only allowed to be expressed by one partner and not the other on the factor of biological sex. Often this manifests as cis-females being permitted to use sadness and not express anger, and the inverse is true for cis-males. A more subtle expression of emotional policing is telling the partner how they may or may not feel or express emotions. A way to combat this sexism is by disentangling the beliefs that individuals hold around expression and feeling their emotions. All humans experience the emotional spectrum and therefore are allowed to express their emotions in a safe and constructive way.
Sexism is often something that comes into the therapy room and lives in relationships. Though not exhaustive, I hope that this blog can help you identify sexist behaviors in use of tone, physical positioning, and emotional policing, while giving you a starting point to address sexism in your relationship. Furthering understanding is the best way to start overcoming a problem. Below I have listed several resources to begin or continue your journey in addressing sexism in your relationship:
Articles & Blogs:
Susan Madsen writes about types of sexism in the workplace. Beginning to understand Hostile and Benevolent Sexism is not only beneficial in the workspace, but also in relationships.
Aleksandra Nasteska writes about inequalities due to sexism in Western Culture that affect relationships. Exploring ways that sexism manifests in relationships and ways to overcome the Us/Them dynamic are useful in addressing sexism in relationships.
Books:
Simone de Beauvoir’s The Second Sex (1949) is one of the influential works of Second-Wave Feminism. This philosophical writing is the blend between philosophy, personal experience and fiction to illustrate the inequalities that sexism has and does produce.
John Stuart Mill’s The Subjection of Women (1869) is one of the oldest explicit Feminist Philosophy texts. Written with his wife, then his daughter after his wife’s death. The Mills argue that sex-equality is essential for a society to be able to call itself a Good Society.