Found in nearly every major religion and a cornerstone of ethics for millennia: the golden rule - to treat others as you would like to be treated - is a maxim of the ages. It is no wonder that the golden rule is oft-applied to improving our interpersonal relationships. Regularly, I find clients reducing discord in their partnerships to not following this tradition. To their surprise, I find the golden rule is often the source of many relationship issues, not the solution; I think it is time to toss this rule out the window.

Instead, I recommend treating others as they would like to be treated. Our preferences, values, needs, and wants more often than not differ from others. For example, we all have that loved one during the holiday season that offers us a gift that misses the mark - in fact, upon further examination, it seems to be a gift they would have enjoyed, not you. Partnerships function in a remarkably similar way. Everything from division of labor and finances to demonstration of affection and sexual intimacy needs re-evaluation from a framework of openly asking our partners how they would like to be treated and to set aside the projection of our wants and needs onto others. When you can accept differences, openly communicate, and provide for others what they long for you will see a remarkable improvement in your relationships.

George Bernard Shaw mirrors these sentiments well when he wrote, “Do not do unto others as you would that they should do unto you. Their tastes may not be the same” and “The golden rule is that there are no golden rules.”