GIVE to Yourself

Dialectical Behavior Therapy’s (DBT) GIVE is a powerful therapeutic tool I find myself returning to over and over again in my work with clients, particularly in strengthening interpersonal communication skills. Recently, when preparing for a session, I was thinking of new ways to treat negative self-talk; realizing there is great potential in applying GIVE not only to communication with others, but also toward one’s self!  Today I would like to introduce you to Marsha Linehan’s GIVE and how it can be used for positive self-talk.

What GIVEs?

GIVE stand for Gentle, Interested, Validate, Easy Manner. Gentle can mean many things, I often tend towards tender or non-judging in my approach. Interested means to be listening, if you are listening you can summarize what the speaker said and they would agree with it. Validate means to acknowledge what is being said, this does not mean agreeance. Easy Manner means light-hearted, at ease or humorous.

How can I GIVE to myself?

When I talk with strangers or friends I use GIVE as a guideline to monitor if it is a healthy conversation. The same holds true with my self-talk. If I cannot be gentle with myself, I must be hurt. It’s important that I talk to myself gently if I wish to feel heard, much like I require of myself and those I associate with. If my internal dialogue is abrasive and rapid (cutting myself off) - it is time to implement a coping skill to center myself so that I can fully listen to myself. If conflicting parts of me cannot acknowledge that I have differing roles   that can conflict (being a therapist is different than that of a brother, son or partner) then it is no wonder that I am hurting. Even in ambivalence I have to create space to acknowledge  inner conflicting ideas, thoughts, and emotions. I admit that Easy Manner is an odd and deeply personal approach when it comes to self-talk. I am not particularly humorous, but I can be at ease. My role as a therapist should be at ease with my role as a son, even though they conflict from time to time. GIVE is a great way to support healthy internal communication, which can lead to improvements in other aspects of life including emotional well-being, interpersonal communication, and self-esteem.

What do I do when GIVE doesn’t work?

This is where coping skills come in. What can you do that will ground  yourself so that you can practice GIVE? Use your creativity! You know yourself best. For some inspiration here are a few ways I have seen clients successfully ground themselves in this situation: (1) Just breathe. Find an easy rhythm that keeps your attention on your breathing. (2) Music. Let the tone or lyrics speak to you in a positive way to balance the negativity. (3) Reach out to a close friend, or family member, and talk about mutual interests that you enjoy. Once you feel relaxed, centered, and grounded try to focus on one of the principles of GIVE and see how you feel on the second try. 

Self-talk is one of the hardest parts about communication. If you are trying to communicate with others and it is difficult, you can take a break. When it comes to yourself, you can never quite leave yourself. This is where using GIVE can help, because it is about respecting you, and all your parts, when you use it for self-talk.

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Linehan, M. (1993). Skills Training Manual for Treating Borderline Personality Disorder. The Guilford Press.