Picture This
Two friends Paul and Marty are out for a coffee catching up about life and work. At some point near the end of their catch up, Marty mentions a recent promotion - a promotion Paul himself had been vying for as well (unbeknownst to Marty). This sparked immediate jealousy in Paul. Slowly after his initial glimmer of envy, Paul quickly began to become angry toward himself for feeling jealous, which spirals him into self-shame and deeper despair. He thinks to himself, ”how can I be feeling this way? I am such a “bad friend”.”
Do you envision this moment and think to yourself, “wow I can relate”? Yep, us too! We refer to this scenario as an example of meta-emotions or having emotions about our emotions.
Let’s Break this Down
Paul’s initial emotion of jealousy -> led him to react to that emotion with another emotion -> leaving Paul angry at himself for feeling jealous.
Another common example is panic, which is often the outcome of anxiety, about anxiety. Associated symptoms of panic ensues -> you begin to notice your symptoms setting in -> therefore causing more anxiety over your panic.
Meta-emotions often lead to greater distress and dysregulation. All the while the original, primary emotion is unattended to - making matters worse. We know, it can feel like a vicious cycle.
So What Do You do?
First identify what is happening. Simply pausing to name the experience creates awareness and opportunity to intervene. Insight is power. Meta-emotions can be tricky and deceptive - name it.
Second, find acceptance and compassion towards the initial feeling. While you may not always agree with your emotional experience, it is here with you no matter how hard you try to change it. This practice allows that first emotion to flow through more quickly. Emotional acceptance meditation expert Tara Brach offers this statement, “I consent to this feeling being here with me”.
I imagine Paul would be able to more effectively move through his jealousy with less shame and turmoil through a compassionate journey of acceptance toward his jealousy. We believe you can too. A final suggestion, take the time to explore any meta experiences to gain awareness and prepare for the next time they come back around. Check out these reflective questions to help guide you!
Reflective questions:
What meta-emotional cycles do you find in your life?
How do you know you are experiencing a meta-emotional cycle? What does that look like?What feels hard about that emotion? Is there an origin story there?
What has helped you to manage this experience?