Maybe you’re familiar with this scenario: you and your partner (or parent, sibling, or friend) are both home after a long day at work, eating dinner together, when the conversation veers off-course into an argument. It could be about family plans for the holidays, or money, or household tasks that need to get done, but the fight feels too familiar. You’ve had this same fight before, even if it was technically about a different issue, and you and your loved one have reverted to the same feelings and reactions. You feel stuck. Why would something as innocuous as a family holiday gathering or a sink full of dishes trigger such intense feelings? Why can't you seem to react differently whenever the topic comes up? Something has to change, but you don’t know how to make it happen.
Feeling stuck in your emotions and relational patterns is common, and it’s exactly the kind of issue that Emotionally Focused Therapy is designed to help.
What is Emotionally Focused Therapy?
Developed by Canadian Psychologist Sue Johnson in the 1980s, Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is a therapeutic approach that helps clients connect their emotions with their underlying needs, identify negative patterns, and try new ways of connecting with others. Emotionally Focused Therapy is a type of attachment-based therapy and was primarily developed for couples, but can also be an effective therapeutic approach for individuals and families.
What Makes EFT Different From Other Therapy Styles
There are many different therapeutic approaches, even amongst our staff at ECC. Emotionally Focused Therapy is distinct from other methods in its core premise that our emotions are a signal of an unmet need or insecure attachment within a relationship. EFT is also distinct in how it addresses that unmet need or insecure attachment. Unlike Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy, which focuses on changing an individual’s thought patterns, or Dialectical Behavior Therapy, which focuses on skill development for emotional regulation, EFT is focused on restructuring emotional patterns and bonds to others, making it particularly suited for repairing relationships (although EFT can also be effective for individuals).
Discerning Primary vs Secondary Emotions with EFT
Shame, fear, sadness, loneliness: there are just some emotions that feel too painful to name, especially if we’re in the heat of an argument with someone, or we’re in an environment where we don’t feel safe to be vulnerable, like at work. When we feel unsafe (consciously or subconsciously) to express a primary emotion like sadness or rejection, we may express a different emotion, like anger. In Emotionally Focused Therapy, clients learn to identify and distinguish these two distinct emotional experiences:
Primary emotions (the initial, raw reaction to a distressing situation)
Secondary emotions (their reactions to the primary emotion, which are often protective responses or coping mechanisms).
Consider a couple having an argument on a sensitive topic. The primary emotion might be fear, triggered by the vulnerability of acknowledging the deeply rooted issues underneath the surface and how they might impact their attachment to one another. Perhaps one partner is thinking, “If I voice my concern about this issue, will they leave me?” and the other partner is thinking, “If I acknowledge that my partner is right, will they judge me?” To protect themselves, one partner might withdraw emotionally and refuse to talk, while the other might get angry or defensive.
Emotionally Focused Therapy provides a structure for identifying and addressing these layers of emotions and empowers individuals to connect more deeply with their authentic feelings and foster healthier communications in their relationships.
Identifying Attachment Styles with EFT
In EFT, clients also learn to identify the “why” behind the emotions, sort of like peeling back the layers of an onion. The EFT process starts by helping clients identify dysfunctional behavior patterns, then identify the secondary and primary emotions that drive those behaviors, and then identify the attachment insecurities that drive the emotions.
Attachment styles are the way we relate to others, and they are typically formed in our childhoods based on how we interacted with our primary caregivers. (You can learn more about this in our blog post about attachment styles!) When we have attachment insecurities formed by our earliest interactions with our families of origin and primary caregivers, they can show up as unhealthy patterns in our adult relationships. Attachment insecurities might look like:
Avoidant attachment: avoidance of emotional or physical intimacy, dismissive of others
Anxious attachment: fear of rejection or abandonment
Disorganized attachment: difficulty trusting others, contradictory behaviors
The EFT “Onion” of Identifying Behaviors, Feelings, and Attachment Insecurities
How it Works: What to Expect in an EFT Therapy Session
EFT is designed to be experiential, so that clients can practice identifying primary emotions and the needs and insecurities driving them, and learn to do this in their everyday interactions. Some EFT experiences are structured as a series of sessions, organized in three stages:
De-escalation. Therapists will help clients identify the behavior patterns, emotions, and attachment insecurities as outlined above.
Restructure. With everything out in the open — behaviors, patterns, and feelings, therapists will help clients experience new ways of expressing their feelings and needs in healthier, more effective ways. This might look like practicing “scripts” for what to say to prevent or de-escalate a conflict.
Integrate. With new approaches in hand, clients will practice what they’ve learned in their everyday interactions!
To move through these stages, EFT therapists might offer a number of interventions to help clients emotionally process and repair their relationships to themselves and others:
Reflection: Clients are encouraged to reflect on experiences and feelings with empathy for themselves and others, and to identify emotions and needs.
Validation: Therapists acknowledge and affirm clients’ feelings and experiences.
Reframing: Therapists encourage clients to approach old feelings and experiences with curiosity and compassion, to reframe the meaning and be open to new strategies.
Re-enactment: Therapists encourage clients to re-enact important emotional experiences, with healthier behavior, i.e., naming their feelings and needs instead of acting on a secondary emotion like anger or numbness.
An EFT therapist might start the session by asking you…
What does a typical argument look like between you and your partner? Can you walk me through it?
When you feel angry or like an argument is escalating, what do you do? Do your responses or actions change if you are feeling lonely, sad, scared, etc?
What do you think you are needing from your partner when you are engaging in a familiar negative cycle with them?
What does your relationship look like when you aren’t engaging in this cycle?
The Benefits of EFT
Emotionally Focused Therapy offers many benefits, whether its for individuals, couples, or families:
Increased self-awareness: individuals can gain a clearer understanding of their emotional responses, unmet needs, and relational patterns to foster personal growth.
Improved communication and conflict resolution: EFT provides a structured approach to identifying interaction cycles and their root causes, many of which are coping mechanisms formed early in life. Especially in the context of couples and family therapy, the EFT process can help remove blame while also encouraging ownership of behavior going forward.
Healthier attachments: EFT not only provides a structured approach to identifying patterns, it offers a structured way of experiencing new approaches so that individuals can foster healthier connections.
Is EFT Right for Me?
As mentioned above, Emotionally Focused Therapy can be applied in a variety of contexts, from individuals to couples and families. Here are a few signs that EFT might be right for you:
You often feel anxious or insecure in your relationships
You often feel confused by your emotions, and are unsure how to express them
You often feel misunderstood by others
You feel angry all the time, and have trouble connecting with loved ones
You experience frequent conflict at work
You and your partner (or parent, sibling, or friend) are stuck in a long stalemate over the same issues and behaviors
EFT can help you uncover the root causes behind the experiences and form healthier habits for relating to others.
EFT Therapy in Chicago: Empowered Connections Counseling
When we can learn to connect our emotions with our needs, we can begin to identify harmful patterns and establish new approaches to foster change. EFT can be a powerful therapeutic experience to help you connect meaningfully with your life. If you’re curious about whether EFT is right for you, or you’re ready to give it a try, reach out. At ECC, we’re committed to helping our clients find the right therapist and strategy for building healthy connections. We’ll connect you with the right therapist and method to help you thrive.
About ECC:
Empowered Connections Counseling is a practice of licensed therapists providing quality, multidisciplinary counseling for adults, children & teens, relationships, and families in Chicago and across Illinois. Whether by in-person session or via telehealth, we work with clients to find the therapist and treatment methods that best suit their needs. Connect meaningfully with your life by booking an appointment today.