While many LGBTQIA+ Americans living today realized their orientation and came out of the closet when they were teenagers, there are many adults who experience this at an older age and have the challenge of coming out to a romantic partner. It can be emotionally fraught to not only face the reality that your orientation is different than you originally believed, but to admit this to your partner. There is so much to consider – will they be supportive? Will this fundamentally change the nature of your relationship? If you’re anxious or unsure about how to come out as queer to your straight partner, we offer some guidance in this post to help you prepare for the conversation.
Start with Self-Reflection
Before you ever come out to anyone else, it’s helpful to take time to be curious about yourself and your own exploration. You definitely don’t need to have all of the answers, but having a sense of how you identify, your emotions surrounding the exploration of this part of yourself, or even your own questions that may still be unanswered, can help you feel capable of talking it through with your partner.
Borrow From a Few Therapy Methods
There are a few therapy methods that can help you self-reflect and emotionally prepare to come out to your partner, as well as other people you trust.
Narrative Exploration: Think about the narratives that have impacted your relationship to self, gender identity, and sexual orientation. What narratives have made it difficult to know or acknowledge this part of yourself? What narratives are you holding onto about queerness that don’t fit with your values, and how do you want to reauthor these narratives? While this is a story that may still be unfolding, this kind of curious exploration can allow you to better understand and better communicate to your partner some of the complexities that go hand-in-hand with coming out as an adult or as someone in a straight- or cisgender-presenting relationship.
Write It Out: Feeling overwhelmed and afraid you won’t touch on important parts of your narrative? There is nothing wrong with having a list of things you want to address when coming out to your partner. Being able to refer to a written list of thoughts can help you stay calm and confident if you start to feel overwhelmed.
Grounding: It’s normal to be nervous and maybe even afraid, but coming out to your partner is an important conversation to be present in. Think about what you can do to ground yourself and stay in the moment. Hold a warm cup of tea or a cold glass of water; light a candle with a soothing fragrance; have your favorite Squishmallow at the ready.
Take Space: Even if the conversation is going well, coming out can be very emotionally overwhelming for a lot of reasons. Pay attention to what your body is telling you and allow you and your partner to take a break and come back if you need it.
Prepare for the Conversation
Despite how long or how well you know each other, it’s hard to know how your partner might react when you come out to them, so plan to have the conversation in a private, comfortable space.
Prioritize your safety – emotional, psychological, and physical. It’s okay to take space or disengage from the conversation if your partner isn’t responding supportively.
Ask trusted friends or family to be on standby. Maybe you’re sure your partner will celebrate you, or the conversation will go better than you expected; maybe you’ll be surprised, or overwhelmed, or unsure of your partner’s reaction – either way, having a support system can be incredibly important and validating.
Come into the conversation with honesty and intention: what do you want the relationship to look like after you’ve come out? Be clear about your feelings and thoughts.
Give It Time
Coming out can be emotional for a multitude of reasons. While a partner’s response of anger, frustration, shock, confusion, or grief may feel hurtful to you or not be the response you were hoping for, hold space for their feelings. Coming out can be a big shift, and just like you likely needed time to process what this means for you, your partner likely needs space to do the same. That being said, if you begin to feel unsafe or at risk, end the conversation and prioritize your safety.
Find a Queer-Friendly Therapist Near You
Wherever you’re at on your journey of coming out and accepting your queerness, you deserve support. Our sexual and gender identities can have a unique impact on our mental health – from how safe we feel to express our full selves, to facing discrimination, to coming out to loved ones and peers. ECC therapists are here to help you navigate the challenges and the joy, and find the path to being your authentic self. Our diverse, multidisciplinary team supports individuals, relationships, and families of all backgrounds and identities. We’ll help you find the therapist and therapy methods to help you thrive. Reach out today to book a session.
About ECC:
Empowered Connections Counseling is a practice of licensed therapists providing quality, multidisciplinary counseling for adults, children & teens, relationships, and families in Chicago and across Illinois. Whether by in-person session or via telehealth, we work with clients to find the therapist and treatment methods that best suit their needs. Connect meaningfully with your life by booking an appointment today.