As a wave of red and pink floods our storefronts, and Valentine's Day posts from your peers begin to take over your social media feed, these can be painful reminders of what we perceive as personal deficits in our lives.
Even for those in relationships, Valentine’s Day can be a breeding ground for expectations, resentment, pressure, anger, and hurt.
Here are some reminders as potentially complicated feelings come up around February 14th.
First, there is nothing wrong with wanting a romantic relationship. A person who is happy being single is not better or stronger than someone who wants to be in a romantic partnership (or vice versa!).
In America’s individualistic culture, there is extensive pressure to be selfish with your energy, to be happy alone, and to not need anyone to feel fulfilled. This is unrealistic! We are relational creatures who inherently long to be loved, touched, and cared for. When we deny ourselves intimacy, we starve ourselves from the potential to connect, and ultimately the love we all need to thrive.
Second, You are your own judge, jury, and prosecutor when it comes to your romantic status.
No one in your social circle thinks about your singlehood as much as you do. The reality is, people are much too caught up in their own insecurities to think about yours.
That being said, judgment and pressure from others affect us. Parents, siblings, and unassuming fellow party guests can be the biggest triggers to negative feelings.
“How are you?” seems to always be followed with “Are you seeing anyone?”. People often make YOUR romantic life about themselves, saying things like “Oh, what happened to what's-their-name? I liked them.”
You are always allowed to set a boundary when it comes to talking about your romantic life. A simple response with “I'm not interested in talking about my dating life right now.” should be the end of the discussion.
Third, Don’t underestimate the importance of platonic and familial love.
Our sex life is a fraction of who we are and what we need to feel good about ourselves. Friends and family can fulfill many, if not most, of the needs that a romantic partner can fill.
Unfortunately, in modern society, there are extensive messages received that our partner should be our best friend, lover, family member, emotional confidant, provider of encouragement and affirmation, and much more. This sustained pressure on our romantic relationships often leaves us feeling like our needs aren’t being met.
Call your friends beautiful, send them flowers, ask for a hug, words of encouragement and comfort. Go on an ice cream date, plan a trip together. Feeling connected and cared for in the ways that are accessible allow us to access more gratitude in times where all we see is what is lacking.
Take care of yourself mentally, spiritually, and emotionally during this time. You deserve to feel loved, whole, and wanted - and take it from a couples therapist… Having a partner does not always make these feelings a guarantee.