Is my partner gaslighting me? Chances are if you’re in a relationship that you’ve wondered this before, especially in the midst of a conflict or disagreement. Gaslighting is a term that has entered the cultural lexicon in the last decade, yet we often hear confusion from clients about whether their experiences actually meet the definition of gaslighting, or something less serious. In today’s post, we unpack this loaded term to help you discern gaslighting from other communication issues in relationships.
What is Gaslighting?
‘Gaslighting’ is a term that has been popularized in modern culture to describe insidious manipulation and psychological control to keep the victim reliant upon the perpetrator, i.e., make it harder for them to leave the relationship. The term comes from the 1938 play Gas Light, which was later adapted into two films, Gas Light (1940) and the better-known Gaslight (1944). The story follows a young woman, Paula, whose husband Gregory, slowly manipulates her into believing that she is going insane. Whenever Gregory leaves their house, Paula notices that the gas lights on the main floor grow dim and she hears noises coming from their boarded up attic, which Gregory always insists are in her imagination. (Spoiler alert: it’s Gregory in the attic the whole time, trying to steal Paula’s family estate.) As in the play and films, the perpetrator acts in ways that are harmful to the victim, but when the victim tries to address the issue with the perpetrator, they respond in ways designed to make the victim question reality, their memory, and their sanity.
What We Get Wrong About Gaslighting
All human relationships are flawed and imperfect. There are bound to be disagreements, miscommunications, and manipulation. Often, how we show up in our adult relationships is shaped by the relationship dynamics we experienced in our families of origin: how our parents and caregivers treated us, how our parents and caregivers treated each other, etc. In moments of stress and conflict, it is common for all of us to exhibit maladaptive behaviors that were normalized in our families—even if we love and respect the other person, and even when we strive to be self-aware.
In the age of social media, concepts like gaslighting can spread in the cultural conversation in ways that are both helpful (more people being aware of abuse dynamics!) and hurtful (misinterpreting conflict with a partner out of fear of being gaslit.)
Although there are similarities, emotional invalidation and manipulation are different from gaslighting, and it’s important to take a step back when you’re in conflict with someone to discern the difference.
Manipulation vs Gaslighting: What’s the Difference
All gaslighting is manipulation, but not all manipulation is gaslighting. The key differences between manipulation and gaslighting are power dynamic and intent (e.g., does your partner want to influence you, or do they want to control you?)
Manipulation is a common human behavior: children might lie or misconstrue facts in an attempt to influence their caregivers or earn attention, yet because of their cognitive development, and because of the power dynamic in the adult-child relationship, children aren’t capable of gaslighting or abusing adults. Similarly, adults can be manipulative without the intent to control or harm the other person, but simply because it’s a maladaptive communication style they learned in their families, or because they themselves were abused or brainwashed. They may not be fully aware that they’re doing it, or know how to communicate their needs in a healthier way. Regardless of a person’s level of self-awareness or intention, manipulation doesn’t have to be tolerated. In a healthy relationship, partners will work together to bring these behaviors out into the open and learn to accept influence from one another, i.e., be open to the other person’s ideas and opinions, reach a compromise in disagreements, and achieve greater understanding of the other.
Gaslighting, on the other hand, is fundamentally an abuse of power over another person or group of people. It can occur in all kinds of relationships, but one common factor is the power dynamic: one-on-one between parent and child, a boss and employee, or a leader and their follower(s) in religious organizations or government institutions. In romantic relationships, the power dynamic is often established through physical and/or financial power. The intent of gaslighting is to intentionally control the victim(s) by changing their perception of reality, reducing their self-confidence and trust, and making the victim reliant upon the gaslighter. Gaslighting uses emotional invalidation and manipulation as tools to gain total control over the victim.
Tactics Abusers Use to Gaslight
Relationships with gaslighters always start out positive. Your trust in them is essential; without it, they can’t control you. Many abusers can be especially effusive and generous early in the relationship to build trust and financial dependence. This is called love-bombing and it is one reason why it’s important not to beat yourself up or feel ashamed that you trusted them early on, because that was their plan.
Gaslight often happens gradually, in stages, which is another reason it can be hard to recognize. The abuser will begin to withdraw their affection and act out in hurtful ways, only to “hoover” at the first sign of their victim questioning them: they’ll shower their victim with more gifts, praise, and affection to quell any suspicion or possibility of the person leaving.
There are several abusive tactics that gaslighters use to control their victims, all with the intent to obscure truths that they don’t want the victims to recognize.
Withholding – feigning innocence or confusion when the victim expresses hurt or anger, or asks to discuss the abuser’s behavior.
Countering – denying the victim’s version of events (thereby making the victim question their own memory and sanity.)
Blocking/diverting – changing or shutting down the conversation.
Trivializing – minimizing the victim’s feelings.
Forgetting/Denial – pretending that they don’t remember events that the victim brings up in conversation (again, with the goal of making the victim question themselves.)
Signs of Gaslighting
Because gaslighting, by design, is meant to obscure someone’s harmful intentions, it can be very difficult to discern what’s happening in the midst of it. It’s important to check in with your own feelings and behavior.
Here are some common warning signs that you are experiencing gaslighting:
You second-guess yourself constantly and often feel confused, disoriented, or crazy.
You apologize constantly to your partner.
You have trouble being honest about your relationship with people you trust (friends, family, coworkers), which can manifest in a couple of ways:
You frequently apologize or make excuses for your partner’s behavior.
You frequently withhold details about your relationship so that you don’t have to apologize or make excuses.
You feel like you can’t be honest with your partner about your feelings or things that have happened, because of how they might react.
Impacts of Gaslighting on Victims
Gaslighting can be psychologically devastating with long-lasting consequences for victims:
Rebuilding self-trust and confidence in one’s own intuition and perception of reality can take many years
Rebuilding trust in others and opening oneself up to new relationships can also take a long time
In addition to the psychological impacts, there can be other consequences, such as having to rebuild financial independence if the abuser used money as a means of control.
You’re Not Alone: Therapy for Victims of Gaslighting
Realizing that you are being gaslighted by a loved one – whether it’s a romantic partner, a parent, or someone else close to you – is a very painful experience. It can also be difficult to confront it with the person, for fear that they will continue to manipulate you. The good news is that you don’t have to face it alone. Meeting with a therapist can help you work on rebuilding trust in yourself, reclaim your reality, and find a path forward.
If, in reading this post, you realized that your partner probably isn’t gaslighting you but that your communication with each other needs work, therapists can help with that too!
At ECC, we’re committed to helping our clients find the right therapist and strategy for building healthy, secure attachments. If you need support with abuse recovery, boundary setting, communication, or conflict resolution, we’re here to help. Book an appointment today to get started.
About ECC:
Empowered Connections Counseling is a practice of licensed therapists providing quality, multidisciplinary counseling for relationships, families, children & teens, and individuals in Chicago and across Illinois. Whether by in-person session or via telehealth, we work with clients to find the therapist and treatment methods that best suit their needs. Connect meaningfully with your life by booking an appointment today.