Does the dynamic between you and your partner feel imbalanced sometimes? Like you’re the person in the relationship who works hard to express your emotions, while your partner shuts down at the first sign of conflict? Or maybe the opposite is true: you’re the partner who has a hard time expressing yourself, because when you’re in conflict with your partner, their emotions can feel overwhelming. Maybe one of you does more of the labor in your relationship—managing finances, scheduling appointments, making plans for holidays and gatherings—while the other seems to do the bare minimum? One way to understand this dynamic is through the framework of emotional over-functioning and under-functioning. In this post, we’ll walk you through this framework and how it can be useful in a therapy setting to repair dysfunction and find healthier ways to communicate.
What is Emotional Over- and Under-Functioning?
Emotional over-functioning is when a person takes on the emotions, well-being, and responsibilities of those around them and tries to manage those things as a way of managing their own anxiety or insecurity. Emotional over-functioners are typically very responsible and reliable for those around them, but often at their own expense.
Emotional under-functioning is when a person struggles to gain awareness of or articulate their emotions. They might struggle to regulate themselves in conflict and lash out, or they might shut down and have a hard time engaging with another person to resolve the conflict.
These concepts draw from the Bowen Family Systems Theory, developed by psychiatrist Dr. Murray Bowen, which offers valuable insights into family dynamics and how they shape our behavior and interactions with others. It also draws from Attachment Theory, which theorizes that our earliest bonds with our primary caregivers shape the way we relate to others for the rest of our lives, dictating our “attachment styles” and how we respond in conflict.
When emotional over-functioners and under-functioners match and become partners, it can initiate what is known in Attachment Theory as an avoidant anxious cycle that is very frustrating for both partners. The anxious partner may feel constantly on-edge and insecure about the relationship because of the avoidant partner’s emotional distance. By contrast, the avoidant partner may feel overwhelmed by the anxious partner and pressured to engage, making it even harder for them to discern and articulate their own feelings and needs. The result is that in conflict, the partners feel misunderstood by each other, and like the conflicts are repetitive, with no clear resolution or change.
How Does Gender Socialization Play a Role in Over/Under-Functioning?
Who has the emotional access, language, and ability to express their feelings and in which contexts is inextricably linked to gender and the norms reflected in broader society. I often ask clients, “when was the last time you told someone that they hurt your feelings?” Men usually can’t recall, while women can usually recall something in recent memory.
Women are often taught to express their feelings by crying or talking them out with a confidant, while men are often socialized to suppress their feelings. Women are also often socialized to be caregivers, performing administrative tasks that make the lives of their loved ones easier from dishes and laundry, to scheduling appointments. In other words, the gendered expectations within families, schools, and religious institutions socialize women to be over-functioners who feel the burden to take on the responsibilities of everyone around them, while men are socialized to be under-functioners who have a harder time expressing their feelings and sharing the load of caretaking within their relationships.
Among high conflict couples, this might manifest as a female-identified partner who complains that their male-identified partner “seems robotic” or “doesn’t express emotions or talk about things with me,” while the male-identified partner might complain that “her emotions are so overwhelming and make me shut down.” Yet in my therapy work, I often see a paradox: women ask for emotional availability, but they don’t know how to see or acknowledge their male partner’s emotions and become reactive, angry, or turn away from him, thus perpetuating the cycle and further entrenching gendered dynamics. A lot of male-identified partners don’t believe that anyone wants to hear or see their emotions, and that comes from a valid place.
The work of healing the dynamic between over- and under-functioning partners can often involve deconstructing harmful gender stereotypes and expectations that have negatively impacted the individuals, and the relationship.
Taking Ownership of Your Relationship Dynamic
While these dynamics can be deeply frustrating, acknowledging it is a great starting point for taking ownership of it and working together toward change. In a therapy setting, a counselor or therapist can work with you and your partner to identify the different dynamics at play in your relationship, such as over-functioning/under-functioning, attachment styles, and more. Then, they’ll work with you to practice changing the dynamic, utilizing Emotionally Focused Therapy approaches, or other similar modalities. Here’s what that can look like:
Step 1: Name the dynamic. For this couple, when the male-identified partner tries to express himself when they are in disagreement about an issue, the female-identified partner becomes overwhelmed and doesn’t want to hear his perspective. He’s learned over time that if he talks about an issue, her emotional overreaction will be so overwhelming that he’s not going to come away from that conflict feeling understood. The therapist will work with the couple first on naming this dynamic and identifying the roles they play as the over- or under-functioners, and then practice new communication strategies to change the dynamic.
Step 2: Changing the dynamic. The goal is to help this couple find balance in their relationship, so that both partners feel heard and understood. The female-identified partner who often talks more in conflict with her partner is going to practice regulating herself in the therapy session, because over-functioning is a sign of dysregulation. She’s going to talk less so that the male-identified partner who has a hard time articulating himself (either by shutting down or lashing out), can talk more and feel more confident expressing his feelings.
Another example of practicing changing the dynamic is to walk through scenarios where the over-functioning partner usually exerts control. For example, if one partner typically schedules all the appointments, manages the majority of household tasks like dishes and laundry, and makes plans with their partner’s family and friends, a therapist will work with the couple on allowing the other partner to take ownership of these responsibilities—even if it means that they might fail. The goal is to allow the under-functioning partner to experience the natural consequences or disconnection of not having someone to do it all for them. This makes space for the under-functioning partner to fail or be imperfect, to create change and grow on their own. For the over-functioning partner, this also creates room for personal growth: when they’re not taking on the responsibilities of their partner in addition to their own, they’re not showing up in their relationships as stressed out or resentful. Together, the partners can rebuild trust and understanding.
Normalizing the Impacts of Change
As meaningful, tangible change begins to take place between the over- and under-functioning partners, there is often a new period of distress or blowback, even though the change is positive. For example, as the under-functioning partner takes on new responsibilities and learns to be more self-sufficient, the over-functioning partner might feel shocked or frustrated that their partner was, in fact, capable of things that they always allowed their partner to do for them. Or, they might feel a sense of sadness over not feeling needed in a way they’ve grown accustomed to. It’s important to normalize the impacts of change: your reaction is a natural part of the change process, and you can learn to manage your conflicting feelings. Therapists will work with couples to normalize the jumble of feelings and communicate to each other through the transition.
Relationship Therapy Near You
Managing conflict and making space for each other’s feelings is the hard work of being in a relationship. When we’re in disagreement with our partners, we’re often reflecting many systems and dysfunctions that were taught to us, from dynamics within our families of origin, to gender expectations, and more. Untangling these influences and recognizing how they impact us can help us take ownership of our experiences and struggles, and choose new ways of connecting and communicating with our loved ones.
At Empowered Connections Counseling in Chicago, our therapists support all types of romantic relationships—straight, LGBTQIA+, monogamous, polyamorous, partnered, married, divorced—as well as individuals who are single, healing from heartbreak or loss of a partner, or recovering from intimate partner violence or betrayal. Together, we can help you find the right therapist and therapy approach to forge healthy, meaningful connections in your life. Reach out today to book a session.
About ECC:
Empowered Connections Counseling is a practice of licensed therapists providing quality, multidisciplinary counseling for adults, children & teens, relationships, and families in Chicago and across Illinois. Whether by in-person session or via telehealth, we work with clients to find the therapist and treatment methods that best suit their needs. Connect meaningfully with your life by booking an appointment today.