February and Valentine’s Day focus our collective attention on romantic love. Gifts, quality time with romantic dates or getaways, and public declarations of commitment are the most common expressions of romance we see in modern culture around Valentine’s Day, and they’re all wonderful ways to shower your partner(s) with love and affection. Yet at the same time, they can also be distractions or band-aids for relationship issues that need attention and work. If you’re looking for a deeper connection with your partner(s) this Valentine’s Day, there are some therapy approaches that might be right for you.
Signs That You & Your Partner(s) Might Need Relationship Therapy
Just like with individual therapy, the social stigma around relationship therapy can prevent partners from seeking much-needed external support, and even more so for romantic partners who don’t conform to hetero monogamous relationships. Does going to therapy mean there’s something wrong with our relationship? Are we doomed to fail? These are understandable questions, given the social stigma around therapy. At Empowered Connections Counseling, we believe that pursuing relationship therapy is actually a really good sign: it means that one or more of you are invested in the health of the relationship. It means you’re willing to put in work, make yourself vulnerable, have tough conversations, and grow together so that your relationship has a better chance at surviving, maybe even thriving.
No romantic relationship is perfect, because humans aren’t perfect. Humans bring a whole history of pain and sensitivity to relationships that can lead to conflict and misunderstandings. Here are some of the most common reasons that romantic partners seek therapy together:
Lack of intimacy - It’s common for intimacy (emotional and sexual) to ebb and flow in relationships over time. But if the ebb of intimacy between you and your partners seems to be more pronounced right now, i.e., you’re having trouble connecting with each other, you’re not feeling seen and heard, it’s hard to initiate connection with them and they’re not initiating anything with you, then therapy might help.
Communication issues – Frequent/recurring arguments and unresolved conflict can build resentment and avoidance between partners. Every relationship has sensitive areas (money issues, family conflict, annoying habits), but if you feel like you’re afraid to bring up certain topics to your partner(s), a licensed therapist can help you unpack the issues and find new ways of communicating to better understand each other.
Big life transitions or shared trauma – It could be new parenthood, a move to a new location, money or job stress, shifts in gender and sexual identity, or something more painful, such as infertility or child loss. Regardless of the issue, all relationships face awkward or painful chapters in which it becomes more difficult to know how to support one another. Especially when it comes to loss, when each partner is dealing with their own grief, therapy can help you find ways to connect and bond so that you feel less alone.
Broken trust – Betrayal happens, but it doesn’t have to lead to an explosive ending. It could be a beginning of newfound honesty. Whether it’s an affair, a painful lie, or another type of betrayal, a licensed therapist can help you and your partner(s) come together to unpack the broken trust between you, examine what it means for your relationship, set healthy boundaries, and find ways to communicate about your needs in honest ways.
Unsolvable problems - According to Dr. John Gottman’s research, 69% of problems that relationships face are actually perpetual or “unsolvable problems,” such as personality or character traits. Therapy can help you and your partner(s) name the problem, get curious about each other, and find a new path forward together.
It is also healthy and normal to go to therapy together when your relationship seems fine! You don’t need to wait for a glaring red flag or a dramatic falling apart to seek support from a therapist — in fact, it’s better if you don’t wait. Plenty of romantic partners go to relationship therapy so that they can prioritize healthy communication and process life’s ups and downs together in a more intentional way.
The Best Types of Therapy to Improve Your Romantic Relationship(s)
Relationship therapy can significantly increase intimacy, satisfaction, and strengthen connection. It can also provide an opportunity to repair when there has been wounding in our important relationships. At ECC, our diverse group of licensed counselors and therapists practice several types of research-backed therapy modalities. Our goal is always to help our clients find the right therapist and approach that best suits their needs. Here are a couple of beneficial therapy frameworks our practice uses to help romantic partners form healthier bonds.
Attachment-Based Therapy
Attachment-based therapy is a trauma-informed and process-oriented therapeutic method that helps clients identify attachment wounds and repair relationships. In attachment-based therapy, a therapist will talk with you to help you understand the four attachment styles, and then lead exercises to help you identify your attachment style, identify deeper attachment wounds, and build more secure attachments with your partner(s). (Learn more about attachment-based therapy and its benefits.)
Emotionally Focused Therapy
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is a therapeutic approach that helps clients connect their emotions with their underlying needs, identify negative patterns, and try new ways of connecting with others. Developed by Canadian Psychologist Sue Johnson in the 1980s, EFT is a type of attachment-based therapy that was primarily developed for couples. It is distinct from other therapy methods in its core premise that our emotions are a signal of an unmet need or insecure attachment within a relationship. EFT is beneficial for relationships because it provides a structure for identifying and addressing layers of emotions, empowering individuals to connect more deeply with their authentic feelings and learn to communicate them honestly in their relationships. (Learn more about EFT therapy and its unique benefits.)
Relationship Counseling and Therapy Near You
Romantic love can be one of the great joys of life. It can be an incredible source of meaning, connection, personal and collective growth. And it can be a source of deep pain, fear, and grief. It is human nature to bring significant expectations to our romantic partnerships, all the more so in our modern, western culture that has made romantic partnership the pinnacle marker of adulthood. Every relationship deserves support and can benefit from therapy, where each partner has the opportunity to voice their needs, fears, expectations, grief, and hope.
At Empowered Connections Counseling in Chicago, our therapists support all types of romantic relationships—straight, LGBTQIA+, monogamous, polyamorous, partnered, married, divorced—as well as individuals who are single, healing from heartbreak or loss of a partner, or recovering from intimate partner violence or betrayal. Together, we can help you find the right therapist and therapy approach to forge healthy, meaningful connections in your life. Reach out today to book a session.
About ECC:
Empowered Connections Counseling is a practice of licensed therapists providing quality, multidisciplinary counseling for adults, children & teens, relationships, and families in Chicago and across Illinois. Whether by in-person session or via telehealth, we work with clients to find the therapist and treatment methods that best suit their needs. Connect meaningfully with your life by booking an appointment today.